Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

LunaTitle: Luna's Red Hat

Author: Emmi Smid

Emmi Smid on Twitter

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Year: 2015

Pages: 36

Illustrated.

Special contribution from bereavement specialist: Dr. Riet Fiddelaers-Jaspers (Website is in Dutch)

[Disclaimer: I was provided with an ARC courtesy of the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for my review of this book. I was not compensated in any way nor was I asked to write a favorable review. Cover image is the property of the publisher.]

Around the same time as I received my permission to access this book (the morning of March 2, 2015) I was looking at a story on the internet about a school teacher in a California high school who had committed suicide. Last year the world was stunned when beloved actor Robin Williams was found dead of suicide. It seems scarcely a day goes by that we don't hear about the suicide of someone. But we typically only hear about the famous people or the 'fantastic' suicides–like a school teacher who is found in her classroom by her students.

What we often fail to take into consideration is that suicide more often affects 'everyday' families and the little people who make up those families. Except within our own communities, we hardly ever hear about suicides that affect families and children in small towns all around our nation every day. A US News story from October 2014 reported that the suicide rates in the US are at a 25 year high at nearly 13 suicides per 100,000 persons. These are frightening statistics and should give us pause as we consider what factors have led to such confounding numbers of people taking their own lives.

As a teacher, I am thankful that I have yet to find it necessary to have this conversation with any of my students or their parents. When I was a church pastor, I did have to have this conversation with one of my congregants after her son committed suicide. I also conducted the funeral which was among the most difficult I ever conducted.

As a parent, a teacher, and a former church pastor, I have often wondered what resources are available to help adults help children work through the difficulties of suicide. I have seen small pamphlets in funeral homes, but nothing of the caliber of this 36-page picture book. I'll say it right up front: I loved this book. Absolutely loved it.

Luna's Red Hat is a wonderful book and frankly, if I may say so, it's not just a children's book. I found the book warm and comforting. It wasn't preachy or overbearing, but gentle and touching. In fact, the book invited me in with its soft brushstrokes in the art and the honest dialogue between Luna and her dad. It's not thick and syrupy, but light and honest. It does not in any way come off as cheesy or fake, but rather genuine and meaningful.

I have reviewed quite a few children's books, I have read even more, and one thing that always bothers me about many (if not most) of the children's books I read is that the dad is often portrayed as a dupe or as absent or as just plain lousy. I will say this about Luna's Red Hat the author did a fantastic presentation of the father character in this book. The father doesn't have all the answers, but he is not stupid. He is not absent, but he is not overbearing. He is mature, yet can also be silly. He is wise, but he doesn't talk too much. He gives his daughter space to vent her emotions and to give words to her feelings. He comforts her in her grief and yet he also helps her keep her life's momentum.

I very much like that the father in this book is portrayed positively. This alone would make me recommend this book.

Finally, I am sucker for a children's story with good artwork. The story can be pretty terrible and yet have good artwork and I will be a fan–maybe because the students I work with in special education tend to spend a lot more time looking at pictures than they do at words. In this book, however, I got both. The artwork is excellent. The colors are soft and inviting when they need to convey a certain emotion, and strong and dark when they need to convey another emotion. At times the author wrapped the text into the picture so as to convey an extra sense of the turmoil Luna is experiencing. I think this is an excellent idea and it works well for this book.

Other attention to detail is important too: flowers that droop to match the mood of the characters, a  small tear rolling down a cheek, the sadness in the mother's face. All of this works together to give a strong emotion to the book–an emotion that I believe captures well what a person in Luna's situation might well experience.

The story is deep, but the text is not complicated. The artwork is simply excellent. The topic is a difficult one, yes, but the author handles the subject matter with a deft hand and a sensitive heart. I believe this is a book that needs to have a wide audience and should be on hand for such an occasion as one might have to endure as a teacher or a parent or a pastor. Sometimes we simply do not have the words to give voice to our feelings. This is a book I believe that lends its voice to help grief stricken parents and children alike navigate through the troubled waters of the suicide of someone close.

There is also a two page guide at the end of the book from a professional grief counselor (links are provided above). There are some helpful words for parents and other professionals. In my opinion, while it is helpful, it's probably not necessary. It neither adds to nor detracts from the book's content. The story stands well enough on its own.

This is a book I will be purchasing for my classroom. It probably won't just 'sit on the shelf', but it will be handy if I ever, God-forbid, need it.

Very highly recommended. It is simply a beautiful book.

5/5 Stars

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Myth_spoiledTitle: The Myth of the Spoiled Child

Author: Alfie Kohn

Publisher: Da Capo Lifelong Books

Date: 2014

Pages: (preview copy e-book) via netgalley: 282

Author Page: Alfie Kohn

[You need to read this before you take another glance at this page: the FCC wants you to know that it is imperative information that I received a free copy of this book in exchange for my unbiased review. I'm glad that's off my chest and I hope you feel better knowing it.]

I was warned about Alfie Kohn when I was in graduate school. I was warned that his ideas are somewhat 'naive', that they sort of controvert the 'mainstream,' and that they are not compatible with 'reality.' So I began the reading with not a little nervousness and apprehension. Yet, as I went deeper into the book I found myself nodding in agreement, highlighting in agreement, and sort of shaking my head in disbelief at the depth of common sense I was discovering with each turn of an electronic page. I was warned that Kohn is a little out of the mainstream; I was not told that I might actually find what he is saying useful, helpful, and sensible.

I was trained at a university in the finer points of Applied Behavior Analysis and I am a strict student of the tools, techniques, and trials that accompany such a method of educating students who have special needs. I am a special education teacher, an Intervention Specialist, and when I think about a typical day with my students, I think about the words I have used throughout the day: "Don't ask me why;" "The goal of this exercise is so that the student will learn to comply;" "These students will not always have us around to guide them on every step of their lives, they need to learn how to do on their own without all the hand holding, mothering, and coddling;" "Good job!;" "Because I said so;" "Prize box at the end of the day if…." And so it goes, on an on. These are the words that accompany other interventions (such as time-outs, various rewards, Class-Dojo points, deprivation of recess for misbehavior, and so on and so forth). All of this is designed for one purpose, and that is to elicit compliance–a word, as I have reflected on my teaching practices, I use entirely too much. Kohn writes:

In reviewing popular books and articles for parents, I'm struck again and again by how their focus is on how to elicit compliance. There's considerable variation in the strategies they propose, from bullying to bargaining, from techniques frankly modeled on animal training to subtler forms of manipulation. But the animating question in such texts is rarely 'What do kids need, and how can we meet those needs?' Rather, it's 'How can you get your kid to do whatever you want?' (37)

Kohn's book caused me to pause and gasp quite a lot–not because it is necessarily deep, but because it makes sense, more sense, in any number of ways, than Applied Behavior Analysis. It also caused a great deal of reflection, deeper reflection, about the way I work in my classroom. It made me think long and hard about what my ultimate goal is with my students who have various disabilities and it made me think of the various ways that I attempt to motivate them to those ends. Frankly, the book made me question a lot of things about a lot of things: what was the purpose of my own education from elementary school to graduate school? What is the overarching purpose of today's public education system? It seems to me that perhaps more people ought to be asking some of these questions too–people who are in positions to ask them and bring about necessary changes. The more I think about what Kohn wrote the more I am convinced that a larger portion of the things we teach kids each day in school would be better off consigned to the rubbish heap.

One of the more important points that Kohn makes in his book is that we give way too much emphasis and enthusiasm to competitive pursuits as parents and schools. I have written about this as plank in my own ideas about education reform, but suffice it to say that I didn't take it to the ends that Kohn did–but armed with his analysis I am ready to do that very thing. I won't spoil all of the fun of reading through Kohn's analysis, but suffice it to say that I believe he is correct: there is far too much emphasis on competition in families, in schools, in life and when competition is introduced at an early age, well, what can we expect when our children view life through that lens?

Something I don't particularly care for is his heavy lean to the left of things–to the extent that even though he claims the current president extended and intensified the education policies of the former president one still gets the sense that it is still the former president's fault for initiating them to begin with. Now I don't particularly care one way or another if Kohn is liberal or conservative or Martian.What bothered me is that at the beginning of the book that 'an awful lot of people who are politically liberal begin to sound like right-wing talk-show hosts as soon as the conversation turns to children and parenting' (2). He goes on:

Have a look at the unsigned editorials in left-of-center newspapers, or essays by columnists whose politics are mostly progressive. Listen to speeches by liberal public officials. On any of the controversial issues of our day, from tax policy to civil rights, you'll find approximately what you'd expect. But when it comes to education, almost all of them take a hard-line position very much like what we hear from conservatives They endorse a top-down, corporate-style version of school reform that includes prescriptive, one-size-fits-all teaching standards and curriculum mandates; weakened job protection for teachers; frequent standardized testing; and a reliance on rewards and punishments to raise scores on those tests and compel compliance on the part of teachers and students. (2)

He goes on to note that liberal Democrats and conservative Republicans all sound the same when it comes to education (and parenting). My point is that even though he says the two sound alike, it is the conservative side of this conversation that receives the majority of Kohn's verbal aggression. All of our problems with parenting and education date back to an appalling sense of devotion to Puritanism and the so-called Protestant work ethic and their perpetuation in our current day. He says that it was left-leaners who sounded like conservatives that prompted the book (2) and yet there is nary a word of criticism for those left-leaning folks who cannot make up their minds one way or another. In other words he uses words like 'right-wing', 'Puritan', 'religious', and 'conservative' all in a pejorative sense and, frankly, it just gets tired after the first 100 repetitions.

In my opinion, Kohn  made a lot of good points–points that I fully agree with and intend to implement in my own work as an educator. Kohn has a way of stripping us of our blinders and forcing us to look at our own prejudice:

We Americans stubbornly resist the possibility that what we do is profoundly shaped by policies, norms, systems, and other structural realities. We prefer to believe that people who commit crimes are morally deficient, that that have-nots in our midst are lazy (or at least insufficiently resourceful), that overweight people simply lack the willpower to stop eating, and so on. If only those folks would just exercise a little personal responsibility, a bit more self-control! (170)

He also has a biting sense of humor–as a fan of sarcasm, I appreciate his efforts.

Finally I will say this. I really do not know what to make of his analysis and critiques of newspaper editorials, blog posts, and peer-reviewed papers. He could be correct, it could just be his opinion of those things. For every point he brings up, the skilled researcher can probably find a counterpoint, for every yin he slings, someone will sling a yang. Kohn writes from his contrary, against the mainstream, point of view and most folks in research are aware of that so I'm sure there will be plenty of peer-reviewed critiques of the book. Nevertheless, the book is meticulously referenced and footnoted (37 pages of end notes) and referenced (26 pages of references) and even if one happens to disagree with his points and his ultimate conclusion (of which I am a bit skeptical to be sure) it cannot be denied that he has stirred the pot–frankly, for the better.*

It is time to strip the pretenses we have as parents and educators of children and dial back some (all?) of our antiquated ideas about how children should be raised and how they best learn. I may not be on the bandwagon for every jot and tittle of this book, but by and large I have been challenged to reexamine my own value system, my own educational practices, and my own care and concern for children–my own and others'.

The bottom line is that kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions. If we want kids to take responsibility for making the world a better place, then we need to give them responsibilities. That means dialing back our control, whether of the flagrant or subtle variety. (189-190**)

Well said. It requires courage, but I think it can be done. I think folks who are willing to have their presuppositions challenged, who are tired of the status-quo, and who are tired of people in the media telling them how (and what and when and why) to raise their children will appreciate Kohn's frankness, the depth of his research, and his skillful analysis of the myths perpetuated by those who have more of an agenda than an actual valid point.

5/5 Stars

*The book will also, in its finished form, contain an index.

**I previewed a pre-publication copy of the book. Page numbers may have changed in the actual published book.

Friends,

Here I will confess my ignorance. In this story from Christian Post, I learned that presidential hopeful, Barak Hussein Obama worshipped today at the Apostolic Church of God in (I guess) Chicago.

CHICAGO (AP) – Barack Obama celebrated Father’s Day by calling on black fathers, who he said are “missing from too many lives and too many homes,” to become active in raising their children.

“They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it,” the Democratic presidential candidate said Sunday at a largely black church in his hometown.

OK, here’s my ignorance shining brightly. First, shouldn’t Barak Hussein Obama, impartial presidential candidate that he is, remind all men of their responsibility to be fathers to the children they sire? Why is this only an issue for ‘black fathers’? As a white man, I’m a little hurt that this message was not shared with people in general. Although I am not one of them, there are plenty of white men who desperately need to hear Barak Hussein Obama’s message of how to ‘break the cycle’ of merely being someone’s ‘baby’s daddy.’ Certainly the good senator is not suggesting that white folk don’t have this problem.

Second, how is it that this ‘speech’ he gave at a church on a Sunday morning is not a violation of the so-called ‘separation of church and state’? But as it is, I’m not upset that Barak Hussein Obama preached at this church (gotta do what you gotta do) as much as I am appalled that this church welcomed in a political candidate to ‘speak’ on a Sunday morning. Shouldn’t this church’s tax-exempt status be examined? (Does anyone know if Barak Hussein Obama has ‘spoke’ in any predominantly ‘white churches’ while on the campaign trail?)

I wonder if this church will give an equal opportunity for senator McCain to ‘speak’ at their church on a Sunday morning?  They ought be ashamed of themselves welcoming Caesar in to speak in a place where only Jesus is Lord. And if they don’t welcome in senator McCain, I will seriously question whether or not they are clear minded on issues of race. “In Christ there is neither…”

Third, can you imagine the outpouring of cries of racism if a white presidential candidate said something like, “They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men” with reference to the parenting skills of black men? Can you imagine what would happen if this were John McCain’s Sunday morning sermon at, say, John Hagee’s church? (I Know McCain has disavowed any relationship with Hagee.) Can you imagine if this was Bill Cosby saying these things?

I needed an Obama rant because I cannot imagine a worse candidate for president. Frankly, I cannot imagine a worse president. I know there are plenty of people with ‘Obama is the New Messiah’, but from my perspective, this is a man who is seriously out of touch. He knows absolutely nothing about my point of view.

This election is going to be tough because neither am I a fan of McCain. Senator McCain has a lot of convincing to do if he is going to get my conservative vote and right now McCain seems too bent on getting the liberal vote.

It’s like we are having a rematch of Dole v. Clinton. Aggh!!

jerry